Grief: 10 Things NOT to say to someone grieving

Grief is when someone close to us dies or begins hospice, it pulls on our heart, distracts our mind, and affects us physically. As a result, we feel fragile, or helpless. Well-intentioned friends try to console us, but struggle with what to say

Grief is when someone close to us dies or begins hospice, it pulls on our heart, distracts our mind, and affects us physically. As a result, we feel fragile, or helpless. Well-intentioned friends try to console us, but struggle with what to say. With recent experience being on the other side, I’d like to offer a few suggestions for what NOT to say to someone new to grief, and provide a few alternative comments.

1. “Cheer up. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to be sad.” When you care deeply for someone, you grieve deeply. You may need to be sad in order to get to the other side of grief.

2. “Focus on all the positive things in your life.” Even if someone appreciates the good things, that doesn’t change the feeling of monumental loss.

3.“She’s in a better place.” Even though the afterlife may seem spectacular, it doesn’t change the fact that my loved one is no longer with me, and I am sad because I have experienced that loss.

4.“Focus on all the good times.” Thinking about past memories can be painful, when you are realizing that you no longer have the opportunity to create new memories.

5. “How about those Seahawks?” Keeping conversations light is not a bad thing (depending on timing), but those grieving need someone who is willing to let them be real; someone who isn’t afraid to talk about the heavier topics.

6. “I know how you feel.” Sometimes a grieving person does not even know how they feel, so don’t pretend you do.

7. “She lived a full life.” Even if the person leaves an amazing legacy, it doesn’t account for time taken away.

8. “Call me if you need anything.” Instead, suggest a specific thing you will do- I will stop by next Wednesday with dinner, I will pick the kids up from school next week.

9. “She would not want you to be sad.” You honestly do not know what  someone else would want or how they would act.

10.“How are you doing?” This seems well intentioned, but it really just grazes the surface and 25 other people have already asked the question.

The common thread of the above comments is that it may feel that we are trying to minimize the situation.

Instead, try any of these:

  • I’m so sorry for your loss.
  • One of my favorite memories was when she…
  • I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
  • I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in whatever way you need me.
  • I wish I had the right words to say. Just know I care.

Personally, I had to learn to spend less time talking and more time listening.

Article Provided by:
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Hospice care, not hospice place

Hospice care combines pain control, symptom management and emotional and spiritual support.

Hospice programs are available to help terminally ill individuals live their remaining days with dignity. These programs can assist the family in making the patient as comfortable as possible.  Assistance is available around the clock, seven days a week.
Hospice is primarily a concept of care and not a specific place of care. Hospice care usually is provided in the person’s home. It also can be made available at a special hospice residence. Hospice is a combination of services designed to address not only the physical needs of patients, but also the psychosocial needs of patients and their loved ones.

Hospice combines pain control, symptom management and emotional and spiritual support. Seniors and their families participate fully in the health care provided. The hospice team develops a care plan to address each patient’s individual needs. The hospice care team usually includes:

  •  The terminally ill patient and family
  • Doctor
  • Nurses
  • Home health aides
  • Clergy or other spiritual counselors
  • Social workers
  • Volunteers (if needed, and trained to  perform specific tasks)
  • Occupational, physical, and/or speech therapists (if needed)

When is Hospice Care  Appropriate?

As with many end-of-life decisions, the choice to enroll in a hospice care program is a deeply personal thing. It depends almost as much on the patient’s philosophy of living and spiritual beliefs as it does on his or her physical condition and the concerns of family members.

How Can I Pay for Hospice Care?

Medicare, private health insurance, and Medicaid (in 43 states) covers hospice care for patients who meet eligibility criteria. Private insurance and veterans’ benefits may also cover hospice care under certain conditions. In addition, some hospice programs offer healthcare services on a sliding fee scale basis for patients with limited income and resources. To get help with your Medicare questions call 1-800-MEDICARE (1-800-633-4227) or  visit www.medicare.gov. Additional information about how to pay for hospice care can be found at the Public Policy Institute of the AARP.

Other Counseling & Support Services

Seniors and family caregivers facing end-of-life decisions often must deal with very difficult issues of grief and loss both before and after their loved one dies. In addition, they may have practical concerns about their legal rights and how to pay the bills now that an important member of the household is gone. Americans for Better Care of the Dying- http://www.abcd-caring.org/

Article Provided by:
Source: www.AoA.gov
Retirement Connection
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